#5 – Driving erratically keeps them guessing
Chet Atkins once said, “Once you become predicable, no one’s interested anymore.” I don’t know who Chet Atkins is, but I do know that mixing up your driving style is an easy way to keep time behind the wheel very interesting.
Hybrid owners seem to keep to this rule the most. Using up a mile to accelerate to 35mph is ok because after all, you’re not using any gas in the process. In the same turn, 50mph on an interstate is another great way to let everyone know you’re driving economically and for good reason. If you can pull this one off while systematically holding up traffic you get extra mother-nature bonus points, as you’ll be causing them to use less fuel too.
On the other hand, rapid acceleration and braking serves an equally important purpose. It lets everyone know you’re a wild child, live by doing the unexpected, and are a very interesting person. It’s also a great way to show off your new high-flow exhaust. How else would everyone know how sweet it sounds?
There are however exceptions to this rule. Have you ever followed someone who was going 40mph in a 50mph zone, only to keep going 40mph when the limit dropped to 30mph? Driving consistently and irresponsibly at the same time takes a huge amount of talent so appreciate these particular fellow drivers when you come across them.
#4 – I paid good money for those rear fog lamps
In Europe, rear facing fog lamps are a common safety device. Here in the states, it’s a sign of luxury.
I’m sure many of you have seen a Volkswagen, Audi, or BMW (some of the few makes that keep rear fog lamps when importing their models) with what seems to be an always on brake light. Have no fear- that super expensive import is functioning properly.
Across the pond rear fog lamps are used in bad weather to keep vehicles visible at high speed (like on the Autobahn). Here in the US they are an easy way to show off how much money you’ve spent on your new European car anytime you please. Who cares if you’re blinding the person behind you? This tip also goes along very well with #5 because when you turn on your rear fogs it’s much harder to see your brake lights. That will keep things interesting, huh?
An added benefit of using rear fog lamps is that tailgaters will be a problem of the past. Who in their right mind will follow you if they are going lose their ability to see in the process? It’s win-win for you and that’s what driving expensive cars is all about.
#3 – Turn signals are for wimps
Chet Atkins once said… oh crap, I used that quote already. Just remember, if you use your turn signals other drivers know your intentions. Do you really want other people to know what you’re thinking? Nuff said…
#2 – High-beams are for when I need to see better, not you silly
If not for headlights we’d never be able to drive at night. Thankfully, all cars come with headlights standard. Better yet, all cars come with high-beams standard too. Just like rear-facing fog lamps, if it’s there, you can and should use them whenever you want.
The best places to use high beams are, well anywhere it’s dark and you want to see better. Just like rear facing fog lamps, high-beams are for your safety and your safety alone. As an added benefit, they help other vehicles know that you’re there and keep them from accidentally running into you. If you’re following someone, high beams can help illuminate the road in front of them too. See, they can’t get mad if you’re just trying to help.
Something important to note- headlights never need adjusting. They come from the factory perfectly aligned and will never ever need to be re-aligned. Just don’t even attempt it. Should you think you need to get your headlights aligned, the solution is… forward facing fog lights. The brighter the better! Just don’t turn them off or your improved vision will suffer.
#1 – Become the passing lane’s biggest fan
Perhaps the greatest invention of motoring is the interstate passing lane. What better way to show your adoration for this modern marvel than to drive there exclusively? Sure, it has “passing” in its name but don’t worry, it’s just like parking in your driveway or driving on the parkway. Plus, to think the government would pave a whole extra lane on the highway just for passing is absurd. What a waste! It’s there taking up space- make sure you use it always and often.
An added benefit of the “passing lane” is it’s ability to allow you let other people know how much you disapprove of their actions on the road. Have you ever spied someone driving too quickly in your rear-view mirror but never knew what you could do about it? Duh… just pull out in front of them! Don’t be startled if they start flashing their head-lights or using a left turn-signal. That driver is just letting you know how much they appreciate you looking out for their safety by slowing them and everyone around you down to below the speed limit. Smile- you’re doing a great job!
Do you have your own satirical strategy for inducing road rage like a pro? We don’t care.
Photo for #5 Courtesy: i_luv_steelers on Flickr
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Published October 12, 2009 by Zane Merva
Filed Under: Humor